It’s been 14 months since Paul and I officially separated, 12 months since I took my original mommy blog down, and 9 months since Caleb was born. By the time Thanksgiving was rolling around last year, I knew the end of 2011 and most (if not all) of 2012 was going to suck big time. Little did I know however, that it was going to suck because there was going to be very few negotiations needed as part of our soon-to-be official divorce. I never expected that Paul would have absolutely no issue awarding me full custody of the kids and just mailing a check to me every month. What hurt the most was how little he seemed to hurt as part of all this. Meanwhile my life and my children’s lives felt as though they were crumbling down.
Ironically the hardest part for me at the time it all began to happen was that it felt so public because I was a social media enthusiast, an active blogger, and obsessed forum contributor. My move from a small town in Indiana to Los Angeles to be with my “soulmate”, our engagement, our wedding, pregnanc(ies), and birth(s) were all vividly documented on every community possible and using every social media outlet in existence. Everyone was rooting us on as Paul and I pretended to celebrate an upcoming addition to our family. . . and then it just ended. And I’ll give Paul some credit here. . . our marriage was failing and we both knew it was happening. But I refused to let my children feel it. I hid it from my friends and our families. And God forbid I post any of it on the internet. I remember the day Dooce announced her separation and I felt it with her all the way. I just wasn’t as brave.
I truly thought Caleb would make everything alright. And in hindsight, Caleb DID make everything alright. He gave me back my roar.
I delivered Caleb practically alone at the hospital. There were a few moms from Bryce and Drake’s daycare who were kind enough to bring them to the hospital and stay with them in waiting room while I was in labor even being New Year’s Eve. Not friends, really. Acquaintances at best. But in the delivery room it was just me and the staff. The few weeks leading up to my delivery date, I was at an all-time emotional low, yet at that moment something inside of me clicked, shook off all the drama and negative energy, and brought my third beautiful baby boy into this world all on my own. And it was a New Year.
I had been very hung up on many of the things Paul did for me. He “made” me a wife. He “made” me a student and graduate. He “made” me a businesswoman. But on the night of Caleb’s birth, I realized he didn’t “make” me a mother. He just got me pregnant. It was my children who made me a mother and I was a damn good one.
2012 brought about several fresh starts. The kids and I moved to Sacramento which is quite a bit more like home to me than Los Angeles ever was going to be. I’ve had to get a “real” job and put my photography business on hold to make sure I have an appropriate schedule for the boys and to make sure I can feed and clothe them frankly! And THIS. A fresh start at a new blog, reconnecting with old friends, making new ones.
And maybe being honest with you and myself this time. The holidays are around the corner folks! Let’s celebrate and give thanks for where we’ve come, where we are, and where we’re headed.